Suicidal Thoughts

Oh, this is a cheery subject, my advice is to give this post a skip because I’m going to get dark here.
Last week while out for an evening walk in an old haunt where the footpath crosses a railway crossing I found myself spending considerable time looking at the mechanics of the railway crossing. I say, mechanics, I guess what I mean is it suddenly occurred to me that if one was to end it by the ‘jumping in front of a train’ method this would be the ideal place because it’s out of sight.
I found my main concern with regards to the train method is the poor train driver. The trauma they must go through of being the last person to share eye contact with the suicidal seems like a pretty horrific thing to do. Essentially you make the train driver a victim too and that’s not good.
But after much consideration, I concluded that if done at night it would be possible to remain hidden until the last moment and with the right timing it could be possible to go unnoticed as you carry out the deed.

I told you this subject was dark and dare I say, almost taboo. Well, fuck that, I’m as honest as they come and deepest demons of being human interest me.
Suicide is something I’m disappointed to be spending so much time considering. I guess I do so because I’m very unhappy and have been for a long time. It’s not my intention to take my life but I reserve the right to do so if the pain of being me becomes too unbearable. I actually rather respect someone who chooses to check out. Yes, I know there is always hope and for those of you who might not agree with me then I guess you have never known the pain of self-loathing, of having absolutely no hope, of the constant frustration and disappointment in one’s self and life. I’m afraid I profoundly believe in the right to choices and that ultimately includes one’s own demise.
I’m not sure I would ever do it. I hope I don’t but it gives me comfort to know it’s an option and my analytical brain likes to explore and gather information should it ever be required.

It does worry me that I find myself giving so much attention to the idea, and indeed the specifics of it. It’s good that I consider the train driver, I’m certainly not selfish and I would argue it shows a rational behavior with regards to ending one’s life.

I think about the brilliant Robin Williams who like many, I loved. We learned recently that he was facing a degenerative disease that affects cognitive function. He chose to take control of this situation before his choices and free will were taken away from him. Personally, I think he was incredibly brave.

Some religious folks think it is totally wrong to take your own life but they forget God gave us free will, it is our divine right to make that choice and only we can make it.

Anyway, I’m getting off track. This is after all about me! Me, me, me!
I long for the day when I’m happy. When my gloom finally fucks off and leaves me alone. To be happy and content, or at least not miserable enough to spend a couple of hours thinking about checking out and how to do it.

3rd Sept 2017 – Further Thoughts…
I was just thinking about a younger person reading that esecially if they are feeling utterly lost. This last year I did a psychology course because I wanted to get to know myself better. Where does my own self-loathing come from? Why do I struggle so much? I completed the course in July this year and although it was challenging, I got exactly the insight I was looking for. At the age of 41, I can look back on my younger self and see all the damage that occurred, especially in my childhood and teenage years. As an adult, I can begin the process and forgive myself. I’ve actually had a tough couple of years for personal reasons I won’t go into here but one thing I have noticed is a pain, feeling pain, experience pain is part of life. We naturally try to avoid it, we all want an easy life but through pain and struggle comes great strength and change. I guess what I am trying to say is, if you are young, don’t give up so easy, you’ve only just started your life. It will be hard and it will be painful but I much prefer who I am today than who I was 20 years ago. Stick with it, pain is part of the course that will grow you, it’s a vital part of life and teaches us many lessons. And while I stand by my suggestion that it is our individule right to check out at our choosing, I would urge anyone not to give up too early in this game of life.

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